So these past couple weeks have been rougher than usual for me. Obviously I have been struggling for the better part of the last six months with everything going on in David's situation, but the past couple weeks have really shown me the toll all of this has taken.
I've had my instances of what I consider depression. They tend to occur on my days off: Monday-Tuesday. I've been pretty good at fending them off lately, but the last couple of weeks they have really attacked in full force. While I wouldn't consider myself "clinically" or "seriously" depressed, I think I have been experiencing some very real depression, and I can now understand the plights of those who experience this. I don't want to do ANYTHING. My house has fallen into complete messiness. Laundry isn't getting done, dishes aren't getting done, cleaning isn't getting done. I barely get out of bed unless I have an absolute reason to--like work, or on the occasion I have plans with friends/family/need to meet with the attorney. Haha. But I can feel the tightness in my back and parts of my body from just being in bed for so many hours of the day (sleeping, reading, watching TV, but just plain NOT getting out of bed). My sleep schedule is nonexistent. I can sleep three hours a day for a whole week, and then the next week I might sleep 14 hours on my day off. I'm up until the sun comes up for five days in a row, and then on the sixth day I sleep until the sun actually goes down. But it seems like there's nothing I can do to fix that. Like I said, in past months, when this has started happening, I've been pretty good at knocking myself out of it. But at this point, it's the dead of winter--most depressing time of the year in the first place--plus this has been going on so long that I'm almost at the point of losing hope. It's so disheartening. I've always felt like I'm stronger that this. I can handle this. I'm trying to be optimistic, especially with David's six-month review. But at the same time I legitimately want to fall asleep and not wake up until a decision has been made for him to be released. This is all starting to be too much.
For what it's worth, this week has been 110% better than last week. When we got the request for evidence (RFE) in David's case, and I didn't know what they were asking us for or what it meant or anything like that until we got the mailed notice, I was a huge ball of stress and anxiety and tension; for the second time since this all started back in August--once again I couldn't sleep, I couldn't eat, my emotions were all over the place, and it took everything I had just to keep it all together and not self-destruct.
Obviously now that I've met with the attorney, gone over the RFE, she's spoken with David, and I've spoken with David, most of my fears are assuaged. But there's always that voice in the back of my head. It refuses to leave me alone, and it won't leave me alone until David is right back here with me.
At this point, it's not even the RFE I'm concerned about, but the six-month review. Like I said before--I'm cautiously optimistic. I think we have an amazing case for him to be released. He has a steady place to live--with me, in my house. He has offers of employment--if not with the restaurant, then with my family at Firehouse. He has the dozens of letters attesting to his good character that our family and friends wrote in support of him over the last six months--thank you guys so, so much. He has his daughter who was born here and relies on him for both emotional and financial support. At his six-month review, ICE has to demonstrate that he is a threat to public safety, and we bear the burden of proof otherwise. I think we have a pretty damn good case against that. So I honestly see no reason why they would not release him.
But crazier things have happened. And if there's anything this process has taught me over the last six months, it's to absolutely not get my hopes up.
So I suppose time will tell.
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