I'm Still Here

Yes, I'm still here. Barely, but I'm here.

Life is rough lately. We are still without any answers regarding David's situation. Which means my life is still in limbo. Obviously, my decision is made that I'm staying with this man no matter what the outcome of this situation is. When I said  "Yes," I might as well have been saying "I do." I know that this is the man that I love, the one I would do anything for, my soulmate and my life and the one I cannot live without. Hopefully, and most likely, his visa case will be approved eventually and we can get him out of that place and back home where he belongs. But on the off chance that it is denied, and we don't seek appeal (which we most likely won't, because he does not want to stay in that place any longer than he has to), and he gets sent back to Mexico, I don't care. If it takes three or four or five more years from then to bring him back to the States, I will wait that long. And in the meantime be able to go visit him whenever I can.

It just sucks. I don't want to complain. But it's hard. I have to keep up with a two-story, four-bedroom, two-bathroom house. I have to pay all the bills on my own. And now that it's not winter anymore, I have to deal with the yard maintenance once again. Cutting the grass, trimming the hedges, pulling the weeds. For someone who could barely keep the house from imploding this past winter, I just don't know if I can do it.

Everybody keeps telling me how strong I am. "Strong." But I don't know if that's actually accurate. Anytime someone tells me I'm "strong," I tell them that I don't think that's right. But they insist. I mean, if "strong" means keeping my head JUST above water enough so that I don't drown, sure, I'm strong. If it means I'm living paycheck to paycheck and keeping current with my bills SOMEHOW, then sure I'm strong. If it means my house is a disaster, my yard is unkempt, my cat litter goes too long before I clean it, there's way too many dishes in my sink, my car looks like a hoarder lives in it, and I am still able to smile and laugh at people at my job because it's my job....then sure, I'm "strong."

But I really don't feel it.

While I of course want to say that I'm able to be an "independent woman who don't need no man," it's almost impossible to go from living with a man you're going to marry who is responsible for almost 50% of your household expenses, and makes much more money than you do, and is much better at taking care of the house and the yard and all that handy stuff--to immediately living by yourself, responsible for 100%  of the finances, working, and trying to take care of the things around the house that you know nothing about, and then on top of it trying to take on the responsibilities of taking on his sales business and trying to run that.

It's a lot.

I just need an answer either way. Honestly. If he can come home, that would be ideal. We could get back to our normal lives, I have complete faith that he could recover quickly with his business and selling chairs and build up what we thought was lost. If he doesn't come home, if he gets sent back to Mexico, then I need to get other plans in motion, including renting out/selling my house, other living arrangements, whatever needs to be done.

But in the meantime we're in limbo. And that is the worst part of this entire process.