I'm Different.

Life is a crazy thing.

One minute we're on top of the world. We've made mistakes in the past, we haven't done things the way we imagined we would. But we've emerged from that and made a new life for ourselves. We are finally, unimaginably, happy. We have found our soulmate. We are content with our chosen profession. We have a loving family unit and a strong group of friends. We do things, we experience life, we take advantage of all the opportunities that come our way.

And then in one fell swoop, it just all comes crashing down.

I remember the person I was before August 10, 2016. But I don't remember what it felt like, and I don't think I ever will.

I changed that day. I knew it, I felt it, as soon as I got that phone call from David. That was it.

I haven't been the same since. Obviously, given what we went through, especially those first few months, it was a rollercoaster. I was up, I was down. I had days where I didn't get out of bed. I drank too much. I ate too little. I barely slept. I lost weight and I felt like shit. Everything was uncertain; everything was stressful.

Thankfully, life has righted itself just a little bit since then. Even though the answers we've gotten thus far aren't what we wanted, at least they are ANSWERS. Going through almost an entire year with no answers, essentially in limbo, having to keep your life on hold....it's not a fun thing. But in July, at least we got ONE answer. And at least David and I were able to be together again because of that answer. Despite it not being the answer that we wanted, at least we were reunited and I was able to be in his arms again after the longest year of my LIFE.

We've been reunited. We've finally gotten married. We are finally able to call each other husband and wife. And I love that. I love all that. And even if we hear nothing about the visa and I end up moving to Mexico in the spring, at least I will get to live with my husband once again. We will be together every day without having to leave each other for months at a time. I just can't do that anymore.

It just sucks because life is so different now. I am such a different person than I was before August 10, 2016. I can feel it. I try to be optimistic and positive and happy and clowning around and making people laugh. I try to be the loud, obnoxious, dramatic Lauren I used to be. But I'm really not. There's a sadness in me now. A sadness that mourns the life we had and the life we thought we would have in the future. There's a defeat in me, that things are probably going to be much different than we had imagined, and maybe a little bit more difficult. There's a wistfulness for what I had wanted in the future that might not ever come to be. And there's a fear in me, that I might have to move to a new country to be with the man that I love more than life itself. A country where I don't speak the language, I don't know the customs, I'm a target because I'm a blonde white girl, I'm a foreigner, I'm looked down upon, I'm taken advantage of. Of course I'm willing to deal with all of that to be with David, my soulmate, the love of my life. But it doesn't make it any less scary.

I've lost interest in everything here that I used to love. Holiday-related events, new restaurants, Chive-related things, even going out with friends. It's so hard to do any of that if it's not with David. Because EVERYTHING makes me think of him. And if he's not doing those things with me, it's not the same, and it just depresses me even more.

I wish things didn't have to be this way, but to be fair, I also knew the risks going into this relationship. And I was willing to deal with those risks, as has hopefully been made obvious in recent months. I will never forget when this all started happening, and during one particular phone call, David tried to give me an out -- "Baby, I know this isn't what we wanted or expected. I won't blame you if you don't want to deal with this. It's a lot. So don't feel like you have to stay." I was like "ARE YOU F&*#ING KIDDING ME?!" Because the fact of the matter is, regardless of the difficulties and the curveballs and the shit life keeps throwing at us, I'm in this for life. David knows that now. We've come a long way since August 10, 2016.

And we still have a lifetime to go. Together. <3